People are always complaining about sluts. Everybody needs a hobby.
I don't think a cereal called "Dingleberries" would sell well.
If you are what you eat, would cannibals be the only people?
I don't thank God for Friday. That's what Sunday is for. Stop being so greedy you rat fink bastard.
It's hard to be angry on a tandem bike or swan boat. Not impossible.
People look far too often for meaning. Sometimes a rainbow is just a rainbow.
There's an I in tieam when I spell it.
I miss the days when tuna wasn't dolphin safe. Getting a chunk of dolphin in your tuna was the equivalent of finding an onion ring in your French fries.
"I'm eating for two" takes on a whole new meaning when you have a tapeworm.
Our Mother of Perpetual Sorrow has a certain stripper ring to it.
I can't wait to look up my family tree! I ... whoa, that's a LOT of Nazis.
DUI checkpoints really kill my buzz.
When I was little, I thought a chauvinistic pig was just a fancy pig... like, with a top hat and monocle.
The word "pundit" originates from the Sanskrit word "learned." I guess standards have fallen since Sanskrit was spoken regularly.
Glass LOOKS like candy, but tastes an awful lot like sadness.
I have a short term memory sandwich.
Freudian Slips can make any conversation penis.
Your mama's so fat that Einstein's Theory of Relativity is no longer relevant.
This suppository tastes funny.
I like my women like I like my radioactive isotopes: highly unstable.
Bacon and bagels on the first day of Passover... TAKE THAT, OLD TESTAMENT GOD! Wha- Why are my hands turning into... OH NO!
I've been chased by a dog my whole life. It's name? Alcoholism.
"ME DAMN IT!" God
Hi, my name is Jake Richards, and I suffer from Baby Shaking Syndrome.
They say history will be written by the victors. Spoiler Alert: Cockroaches can't write worth shit.
Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. If he hollers, let him go. Eenie, Meanie, Minie, Moe.
"I only regret getting caught." Nathan Hale
A squirrel mocked me today. I'm not proud of it.
I didn't think I'd ever be able to hate a mythical creature. But I do. Fuck you, Hobbits.
"Oops." J. Robert Oppenheimer
"... Wut." Sigmund Freud's First Patient
I just got into a dance off with a homeless guy... He won.
I just ate about four bottles worth of cocoa butter before realizing it's not chocolate flavored butter.
"I'm so drunk. AND ANGRY. Where did all these fucking cats come from?" Ernest Hemingway
When all else fails, bust out the accordion.
My little brother accused me of being a "trendy" atheist. That's not true. I dismissed God WAY before it was cool!
Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Making elevator rides awkward since their conception.
My professor today argued torture is acceptable, since we can't force love, only fear. Machiavellian nonsense. It's not a matter of producing fear or love in the international community; it's about maintaining the principles that our nation was founded on. I'd sooner preserve my humanity than have the world at my feet.
An All-Purpose Eulogy
Thank you... *Pause for effect* I shouldn't have read that out loud. Please, hold your applause until I wrap up. You know, when I first heard *Insert Name Here* died, I was devastated. Appalled. Elated. Aroused. I can tell from your gasps of horror that dictionary.com has failed me yet again, or perhaps I can feign hormonal fluctuations to keep this ball rolling. In any case, it totally sucked. I remember the first time I met *INH,* I wasn't a fan, per se. Tax evader. Hippy. Drunkard. Alleged pedophile. These are just a few of the rumors I spread about *INH.* But he was more than that. He was also a Satanist. We didn't always see eye to eye, on account of his debilitating case of... Lazy eye. But he did me the favor of always warning me three days ahead of time before slaughtering one of the many sheep he raised (illegally) to make horrendous haggis. The stink was putrid enough to cause heavy duty paint to peel away, nostrils to bleed, and children to weep. When he wasn't making illegal ethnic cuisine, *INH* was defecating in the water supply. Always the prankster, he'd steal a child away every fortnight, leaving only bones in a dilapidated dildo factory as a reminder to them ever existing. *INH* often gave back to the community, releasing plague rats into the YMCA, torching "Jigaboo" neighborhoods, and eating roadkill. *INH* believed in this country and the principles it was founded on, and was one of the first concerned individuals to implicate Jews for all shortcomings at large. While very little is known about *INH's* childhood, one can assume he was a precocious scamp after the discovery of dozens of graphic comics he drew at the tender age of six, depicting deranged acts of sexual violence, including the fabled Mexican Corkscrew... Wikipedia it, folks. You won't leave disappointed. *INH* leaves behind seven parakeets, a kidney stone, Season Three of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and a profoundly shaken community.
He will be missed.
When you look into the eyes of someone you love, someone you admire, someone you despise... You're merely viewing a reflection of yourself.
Peeps are like marshmallows covered in sand... I mean, they're adorable... But it's like I dropped a marshmallow at the beach and took the five second rule seriously.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. My name is OUTRAGEOUS. Prepare to die.
I... I just discovered Dark Matter... No, wait. That's a Cheeto.
Libraries: The Silent Killer
I'm robbing the cradle! No, no, no. It's not what you think. I'm not dating someone younger. I'm merely stealing babies.
I respect a motorcyclist that wears a blazer and penny loafers. That's a man's man.
Going for a stroll down memory lane. It's really sketchy at night. Oh God, what was that noise?
It's a myth. Like unicorns or the female orgasm.
There's only one way to fight Nazis: Music. The sound of it, specifically.
"And now we play the waiting game." Jesus
Give a Hoot, Eat the Afterbirth to Stave off Postpartum Depression. Worst. PSA. Ever.
My prayer wasn't answered, but I did get a staph infection... God works in mysterious ways.
Caroling? In my suburb? I THINK NOT. *Loads Rifle*
Birds of a feather have but one feather.
It may have just been a silly dare, but I regret eating that panda.
Fun Fact: Chase Bank funded Nazi Germany. Wait... That wasn't fun. That wasn't fun at all.
My favorite part of the Bible, you ask? Leviticus. Mmm, kinky.
They call me Mellow Yellow... DAMN MY APATHY AND JAUNDICE!
"Her lips said no, but her eyes said yes" does not make for a good defense in a court of law.
When I was little, I wanted to be a politician. Well, not just a politician, mind you... A Lincolnian one. A civic hero. I wanted to change the world, for the better. There was a selfish desire to be remembered, too. Because I happened to be an intelligent youngster, family, friends, and teachers would raise me up, insisting that if anyone THEY knew could be president, it was me. I'd shake babies, kiss hands... The whole Nine Yards. Stupid little bastard. I chalk this up to naivete and a morbid sense of curiosity, equivalent to a member of PETA seeking work at a sausage factory. Sure, they start off bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to take on "the Man," grabbing their amateur porn camera equipment to capture atrocities, improve their little slice of the world... Then five years go by and their supervisor catches them lying on the slaughterhouse floor, covered in various fluids, sucking on a package of sausages, shouting deliriously "THE SECRET WAS TOO DELICIOUS!" Except in my case, they'd catch me in my office, sucking on interns, pages, and a Guatemalan drug lord simply known as X. My donors would be the first to go, fearing to go down with a political Titanic. My wife, too busy sucking pool boy cock and consuming the best horse tranquilizer hush money can buy, would merely go on existing with little enthusiasm or human emotions, a haunting reminder to young women everywhere that ambition and a great set of cans can get you pool boy cock and horse tranquilizer. My constituents, for lack of a better vocabulary, are really, really bummed. Interns and staff that I haven't sexually assaulted (yet) rush to set up a career saving speech. Obama-like promises of inspiration and hope are feverishly whispered among the Jew-media elite, eliciting a news rush the likes of which have never been seen until another middle-class white kid goes missing. An auditorium in my district is brimming with constituents, mistresses, blackmailers and blackmail...ees? I'd approach the podium, notes in hand, Baby Bjorn strapped on. Wanting to appear more approachable to these yokels, I "rented" a mentally stunted baby. Patting his head, I'd wave to the audience. Bright lights, cameras, and glaring, judgmental eyes set upon me. Looking to my notes, I realize I should have payed my staff better. "Improvise." I read aloud. I grin stupidly. Silence, then a clamorous uproar. To the untrained ear, it sounds like they're booing me. I know better, though. They're simply expressing their love for Bruce Springsteen. Suddenly, a figure in the front row stands up, wielding a pistol. "YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!" He shouts, waving his firearm wildly. "X, is that you?" I squint, looking out into the crowd. He raises his pistol; I instinctively raise special baby, hoping his supple, innocent flesh might deflect the bullet, but to no avail. I crumple to the floor, coughing up blood. One last shot to forever be immortalized. People gather round me. "Rosebud..." I mutter, blood dripping from my mouth, agape. "Wait, that's cliche... Hitler was right." I whisper, shutting my eyes. I'm not dead, though. I'd probably wake up, jostling in a stretcher. I guess my infant shield took most of the impact of the shot. Constituents and reporters alike would shout and weep, enraged with... The whole dreary affair. People talk of political capital... Of political demise. It could be worse. It's not like I'm a Bush.
Fun Fact! Hakuna Matata means "White people raped my continent" in Swahili.
The Manatee: Nature's Speed Bump
I hate it when I suffer Freudian Slips - MY MOTHER NEVER LOVED ME SO I STRANGLE CATS. Wait.
"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you... And finish the job." (John 14:18)
Those monks made self-immolation look SO cool. It isn't what it's all cracked up to be.
Geological surveys indicate that there's lithium in Afghanistan. The War in Afghanistan: It keeps going and going and going and going...
Am I a generous lover? Of course. I tip gratuitously.
Christ is going to be pretty pissed when he comes back and sees you all depicting him as a fish.
The Adult Movie Industry could be improved exponentially if they cuddled after.
"You want to have me drawn and quartered, eh? Your place or mine?" William Wallace
"So... So if familiarity breeds contempt, does that mean when Daddy left us... He was just saying he loves us?"
If a pal tells you to "think about the rabbits," your friendship is about to take a really drastic turn.
"OH SWEET GOD, THE SYPHILIS IS EATING MY BRAIN!" Friedrich Nietzsche
They say that the road is no place to start a family. I say otherwise. Asphalt is VERY absorbent.
My proctologist started humming "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" before my exam. I think I will take my business elsewhere.
I didn't become a foster parent for the glory.
German Sprite = Sprüte
Statutory rape is just a poorly worded "I love you."
DWI = Driving While Incestuous
If anyone claims to know where you can find the rainbow, just walk away. They will lead you to an opium den and sexually assault you.
You're right, conservatives. The Constitution isn't a living document. Let's go ahead and reinstate slavery.
Driving and Tweeting/FBing is so ea- OMG CAR WRECK LOL BLEEDING PROFUSELY BRB
George W. Bush... Too soon?
The Safety Dance is decidedly unsafe.
Osteoporosis is God's way of telling us that menopausal women are capable of flight.
Kenny Rogers' The Gambler is the most vague, poker advice song ever.
Car accidents are no laughing matter... Unless clowns are directly involved.
Heaven is attainable to those deserving. It isn't a permanent state, which makes it bittersweet. Otherwise, it wouldn't be Heaven.
Romancing the Stone sounds uncomfortable.
I'm not clapping, I'm masturbating.
I got into medicine for the mercy killing.
When donning a condom, you put it on a banana, right? Sexual education in public schools failed me.
We built this city on Rock N' Roll. Structural Integrity? I think not.
I just stormed Normandy Beach. I'm a little late to the game. But I killed some sunbathers. That must count for something.
The Platypus: God's Fuck Up
I've gone back in time and - Oh... Committed my first "history crime." I kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.
I tried to make my own Foie Gras. Never... Never again. So much duck. Everywhere. Oh, Sir Quackington the Third, you didn't deserve this.
Sex With the Lights On: Some things cannot be unseen.
I'm tired of the "break a leg" idiom. How about you go out there and shatter your pelvis?
Plaid makes me gassy.
Jesus was a socialist. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?
I tried auto-tuning my own voice. Needless to say, I've been rendered mute permanently. Do I have any regrets? Yeah. I have a lot.
If the Pope is infallible, does that mean God is a pedophile, or does he merely enjoy harboring them?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Way to fucking ruin Christmas, Santa. You've shattered ANOTHER family with your incessant Mommy kissing.
This Day in History: Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier... And my heart.
I discovered to my dismay that "If you like it than you should have put a ring on it" isn't applicable to every situation.
OH GOD, DISCO IS BACK... Wait, false alarm.
"Inoperable is just a word." Oh, Fortune Cookie. You're right.
It's all fun and games until someone realizes Corgis are highly flammable.
I found God. Longest game of Hide and Seek ever.
You can call them your "Love Buttons" all you'd like... They're still cold sores, and they're making me uncomfortable, sir.
OMG OMG SO EXCITED. OMG. NOM NOM NOM NOM OMG. Wow, that was tremendously annoying. How the fuck do you people type like this? Fucking animals.
I wonder if there's a Puppy Hell? Short answer, yes.
My Hebrew name, you ask? Moshe Shimshon. I sound like a Native American sidekick in an awful Spaghetti Western.
"God's just sleeping." Friedrich Nietzsche
Imagine if Gandalf's last words were "Fly, you fool!" What a dick.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice... Ya Jew. (Ephesians 4:31)
I'm naming my first daughter Calamity Jones, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.
Jewtuition: It's like intuition, but more sinister and kosher.
It just isn't a party unless you experience both extreme alcohol poisoning and the morning after panic attack of "OH GOD, WE'RE RELATED."
God, it's so late. I'm going to go castrate some sheep. Did I say count? I mean castrate... Wait. Fool me twice...
If you could run faster, maybe you wouldn't be an orphan.
I wonder how Richard Nixon is acclimating to life in Hell.
I really have to stop huffing paint thinner before church. Father McDonald, I apologize for the impromptu presentation on how to
crucify your pets.
I'll tap dance straight into Hell.
I've been chased by a dog my whole life. It's name? Alcoholism.
"ME DAMN IT!" God
Hi, my name is Jake Richards, and I suffer from Baby Shaking Syndrome.
They say history will be written by the victors. Spoiler Alert: Cockroaches can't write worth shit.
Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. If he hollers, let him go. Eenie, Meanie, Minie, Moe.
"I only regret getting caught." Nathan Hale
A squirrel mocked me today. I'm not proud of it.
I didn't think I'd ever be able to hate a mythical creature. But I do. Fuck you, Hobbits.
"Oops." J. Robert Oppenheimer
"... Wut." Sigmund Freud's First Patient
I just got into a dance off with a homeless guy... He won.
I just ate about four bottles worth of cocoa butter before realizing it's not chocolate flavored butter.
"I'm so drunk. AND ANGRY. Where did all these fucking cats come from?" Ernest Hemingway
When all else fails, bust out the accordion.
My little brother accused me of being a "trendy" atheist. That's not true. I dismissed God WAY before it was cool!
Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Making elevator rides awkward since their conception.
My professor today argued torture is acceptable, since we can't force love, only fear. Machiavellian nonsense. It's not a matter of producing fear or love in the international community; it's about maintaining the principles that our nation was founded on. I'd sooner preserve my humanity than have the world at my feet.
An All-Purpose Eulogy
Thank you... *Pause for effect* I shouldn't have read that out loud. Please, hold your applause until I wrap up. You know, when I first heard *Insert Name Here* died, I was devastated. Appalled. Elated. Aroused. I can tell from your gasps of horror that dictionary.com has failed me yet again, or perhaps I can feign hormonal fluctuations to keep this ball rolling. In any case, it totally sucked. I remember the first time I met *INH,* I wasn't a fan, per se. Tax evader. Hippy. Drunkard. Alleged pedophile. These are just a few of the rumors I spread about *INH.* But he was more than that. He was also a Satanist. We didn't always see eye to eye, on account of his debilitating case of... Lazy eye. But he did me the favor of always warning me three days ahead of time before slaughtering one of the many sheep he raised (illegally) to make horrendous haggis. The stink was putrid enough to cause heavy duty paint to peel away, nostrils to bleed, and children to weep. When he wasn't making illegal ethnic cuisine, *INH* was defecating in the water supply. Always the prankster, he'd steal a child away every fortnight, leaving only bones in a dilapidated dildo factory as a reminder to them ever existing. *INH* often gave back to the community, releasing plague rats into the YMCA, torching "Jigaboo" neighborhoods, and eating roadkill. *INH* believed in this country and the principles it was founded on, and was one of the first concerned individuals to implicate Jews for all shortcomings at large. While very little is known about *INH's* childhood, one can assume he was a precocious scamp after the discovery of dozens of graphic comics he drew at the tender age of six, depicting deranged acts of sexual violence, including the fabled Mexican Corkscrew... Wikipedia it, folks. You won't leave disappointed. *INH* leaves behind seven parakeets, a kidney stone, Season Three of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and a profoundly shaken community.
He will be missed.
When you look into the eyes of someone you love, someone you admire, someone you despise... You're merely viewing a reflection of yourself.
Peeps are like marshmallows covered in sand... I mean, they're adorable... But it's like I dropped a marshmallow at the beach and took the five second rule seriously.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. My name is OUTRAGEOUS. Prepare to die.
I... I just discovered Dark Matter... No, wait. That's a Cheeto.
Libraries: The Silent Killer
I'm robbing the cradle! No, no, no. It's not what you think. I'm not dating someone younger. I'm merely stealing babies.
I respect a motorcyclist that wears a blazer and penny loafers. That's a man's man.
Going for a stroll down memory lane. It's really sketchy at night. Oh God, what was that noise?
It's a myth. Like unicorns or the female orgasm.
There's only one way to fight Nazis: Music. The sound of it, specifically.
"And now we play the waiting game." Jesus
Give a Hoot, Eat the Afterbirth to Stave off Postpartum Depression. Worst. PSA. Ever.
My prayer wasn't answered, but I did get a staph infection... God works in mysterious ways.
Caroling? In my suburb? I THINK NOT. *Loads Rifle*
Birds of a feather have but one feather.
It may have just been a silly dare, but I regret eating that panda.
Fun Fact: Chase Bank funded Nazi Germany. Wait... That wasn't fun. That wasn't fun at all.
My favorite part of the Bible, you ask? Leviticus. Mmm, kinky.
They call me Mellow Yellow... DAMN MY APATHY AND JAUNDICE!
"Her lips said no, but her eyes said yes" does not make for a good defense in a court of law.
When I was little, I wanted to be a politician. Well, not just a politician, mind you... A Lincolnian one. A civic hero. I wanted to change the world, for the better. There was a selfish desire to be remembered, too. Because I happened to be an intelligent youngster, family, friends, and teachers would raise me up, insisting that if anyone THEY knew could be president, it was me. I'd shake babies, kiss hands... The whole Nine Yards. Stupid little bastard. I chalk this up to naivete and a morbid sense of curiosity, equivalent to a member of PETA seeking work at a sausage factory. Sure, they start off bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to take on "the Man," grabbing their amateur porn camera equipment to capture atrocities, improve their little slice of the world... Then five years go by and their supervisor catches them lying on the slaughterhouse floor, covered in various fluids, sucking on a package of sausages, shouting deliriously "THE SECRET WAS TOO DELICIOUS!" Except in my case, they'd catch me in my office, sucking on interns, pages, and a Guatemalan drug lord simply known as X. My donors would be the first to go, fearing to go down with a political Titanic. My wife, too busy sucking pool boy cock and consuming the best horse tranquilizer hush money can buy, would merely go on existing with little enthusiasm or human emotions, a haunting reminder to young women everywhere that ambition and a great set of cans can get you pool boy cock and horse tranquilizer. My constituents, for lack of a better vocabulary, are really, really bummed. Interns and staff that I haven't sexually assaulted (yet) rush to set up a career saving speech. Obama-like promises of inspiration and hope are feverishly whispered among the Jew-media elite, eliciting a news rush the likes of which have never been seen until another middle-class white kid goes missing. An auditorium in my district is brimming with constituents, mistresses, blackmailers and blackmail...ees? I'd approach the podium, notes in hand, Baby Bjorn strapped on. Wanting to appear more approachable to these yokels, I "rented" a mentally stunted baby. Patting his head, I'd wave to the audience. Bright lights, cameras, and glaring, judgmental eyes set upon me. Looking to my notes, I realize I should have payed my staff better. "Improvise." I read aloud. I grin stupidly. Silence, then a clamorous uproar. To the untrained ear, it sounds like they're booing me. I know better, though. They're simply expressing their love for Bruce Springsteen. Suddenly, a figure in the front row stands up, wielding a pistol. "YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!" He shouts, waving his firearm wildly. "X, is that you?" I squint, looking out into the crowd. He raises his pistol; I instinctively raise special baby, hoping his supple, innocent flesh might deflect the bullet, but to no avail. I crumple to the floor, coughing up blood. One last shot to forever be immortalized. People gather round me. "Rosebud..." I mutter, blood dripping from my mouth, agape. "Wait, that's cliche... Hitler was right." I whisper, shutting my eyes. I'm not dead, though. I'd probably wake up, jostling in a stretcher. I guess my infant shield took most of the impact of the shot. Constituents and reporters alike would shout and weep, enraged with... The whole dreary affair. People talk of political capital... Of political demise. It could be worse. It's not like I'm a Bush.
Fun Fact! Hakuna Matata means "White people raped my continent" in Swahili.
The Manatee: Nature's Speed Bump
I hate it when I suffer Freudian Slips - MY MOTHER NEVER LOVED ME SO I STRANGLE CATS. Wait.
"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you... And finish the job." (John 14:18)
Those monks made self-immolation look SO cool. It isn't what it's all cracked up to be.
Geological surveys indicate that there's lithium in Afghanistan. The War in Afghanistan: It keeps going and going and going and going...
Am I a generous lover? Of course. I tip gratuitously.
Christ is going to be pretty pissed when he comes back and sees you all depicting him as a fish.
The Adult Movie Industry could be improved exponentially if they cuddled after.
"You want to have me drawn and quartered, eh? Your place or mine?" William Wallace
"So... So if familiarity breeds contempt, does that mean when Daddy left us... He was just saying he loves us?"
If a pal tells you to "think about the rabbits," your friendship is about to take a really drastic turn.
"OH SWEET GOD, THE SYPHILIS IS EATING MY BRAIN!" Friedrich Nietzsche
They say that the road is no place to start a family. I say otherwise. Asphalt is VERY absorbent.
My proctologist started humming "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" before my exam. I think I will take my business elsewhere.
I didn't become a foster parent for the glory.
German Sprite = Sprüte
Statutory rape is just a poorly worded "I love you."
DWI = Driving While Incestuous
If anyone claims to know where you can find the rainbow, just walk away. They will lead you to an opium den and sexually assault you.
You're right, conservatives. The Constitution isn't a living document. Let's go ahead and reinstate slavery.
Driving and Tweeting/FBing is so ea- OMG CAR WRECK LOL BLEEDING PROFUSELY BRB
George W. Bush... Too soon?
The Safety Dance is decidedly unsafe.
Osteoporosis is God's way of telling us that menopausal women are capable of flight.
Kenny Rogers' The Gambler is the most vague, poker advice song ever.
Car accidents are no laughing matter... Unless clowns are directly involved.
Heaven is attainable to those deserving. It isn't a permanent state, which makes it bittersweet. Otherwise, it wouldn't be Heaven.
Romancing the Stone sounds uncomfortable.
I'm not clapping, I'm masturbating.
I got into medicine for the mercy killing.
When donning a condom, you put it on a banana, right? Sexual education in public schools failed me.
We built this city on Rock N' Roll. Structural Integrity? I think not.
I just stormed Normandy Beach. I'm a little late to the game. But I killed some sunbathers. That must count for something.
The Platypus: God's Fuck Up
I've gone back in time and - Oh... Committed my first "history crime." I kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.
I tried to make my own Foie Gras. Never... Never again. So much duck. Everywhere. Oh, Sir Quackington the Third, you didn't deserve this.
Sex With the Lights On: Some things cannot be unseen.
I'm tired of the "break a leg" idiom. How about you go out there and shatter your pelvis?
Plaid makes me gassy.
Jesus was a socialist. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?
I tried auto-tuning my own voice. Needless to say, I've been rendered mute permanently. Do I have any regrets? Yeah. I have a lot.
If the Pope is infallible, does that mean God is a pedophile, or does he merely enjoy harboring them?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Way to fucking ruin Christmas, Santa. You've shattered ANOTHER family with your incessant Mommy kissing.
This Day in History: Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier... And my heart.
I discovered to my dismay that "If you like it than you should have put a ring on it" isn't applicable to every situation.
OH GOD, DISCO IS BACK... Wait, false alarm.
"Inoperable is just a word." Oh, Fortune Cookie. You're right.
It's all fun and games until someone realizes Corgis are highly flammable.
I found God. Longest game of Hide and Seek ever.
You can call them your "Love Buttons" all you'd like... They're still cold sores, and they're making me uncomfortable, sir.
OMG OMG SO EXCITED. OMG. NOM NOM NOM NOM OMG. Wow, that was tremendously annoying. How the fuck do you people type like this? Fucking animals.
I wonder if there's a Puppy Hell? Short answer, yes.
My Hebrew name, you ask? Moshe Shimshon. I sound like a Native American sidekick in an awful Spaghetti Western.
"God's just sleeping." Friedrich Nietzsche
Imagine if Gandalf's last words were "Fly, you fool!" What a dick.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice... Ya Jew. (Ephesians 4:31)
I'm naming my first daughter Calamity Jones, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.
Jewtuition: It's like intuition, but more sinister and kosher.
It just isn't a party unless you experience both extreme alcohol poisoning and the morning after panic attack of "OH GOD, WE'RE RELATED."
God, it's so late. I'm going to go castrate some sheep. Did I say count? I mean castrate... Wait. Fool me twice...
If you could run faster, maybe you wouldn't be an orphan.
I wonder how Richard Nixon is acclimating to life in Hell.
I really have to stop huffing paint thinner before church. Father McDonald, I apologize for the impromptu presentation on how to
crucify your pets.
I'll tap dance straight into Hell.
