Ever been to a Hardee's? Well, do you recall the scene in the Lion King when Mufasa told Simba that everything the light touches is his? Light doesn't touch Hardee's. There be dragons there. I was once idealistic like you. I had hopes, dreams. Judeo-Christian God had my back. Flowers blossomed where I had tread. If I farted, the sound was a child's laugh; the smell of cumin. My hair was a slick auburn; my eyes, twinkling hazel. Ladies, if I looked at you the right way or exhaled too roughly, you'd have a tsunami like orgasm. Not really. But it brought me comfort to think such things. But I grew restless. I wanted to see the world. My parents kept me locked away, a young prince destined to see the world through the veil of high society. No. NO. I refuse. I escaped in the night. Lights flicked on behind me. "Don't go to Hardee's," they screamed. I paid no heed. I paid no heed.
I woke up to the sound of babbling brooks. Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I realized a hapless hobo had just been pissing near my resting head. I dispatched of him quickly. He shan't be missed. My supplies spartan, I trekked onward, seeking glory. Alas, damnation and glory are but a fine line that is crossed with little fanfare. My stomach grumbled as the sun stalled directly above me. Thirst overcame me. I have come so far, just to die like an animal? No. I started to hallucinate, despite my steely resolve. A man wearing a star uniform grabbed my arm and pulled me enthusiastically towards a foreboding building. Had I strength in my body, I would have struck him down.
Florescent lights blind me. "What dark sorcery is this?!?" I shouted. "Welcome to Hardee's. May I take your order?" A meek and unattractive androgynous being stood behind a counter wearing a ridiculous hat. The star man was gone from my sight. "Are you a proprietor of food?" I queried. "Uhh..." Clearly he's mentally disabled. But this appears to be a restaurant. "I would like some nourishment, please."
"Uhh..." I interrupt him, slamming my fists upon a grimy counter. "I NEED FOOD AND DRINK, MAN... WOMAN... THING." "No problem, bro. Which meal?" It smiled the smile of a man who knew far too many defeats. "Umm," I stammered, looking at their menu, "I'll have the number 4." "Drink?" The thing clicked away at its register. "Mr. Pibb me." "That'll be $6.78," it smiled. I threw several gold coins his way. "We don't accept Euros, bro." "You will take the sum I have provided, creature." He didn't say another word. Good. My food was placed before me in a timely manner. There was only one other man in the establishment. I sat next to him for company.
"What's your name, brother?" I grasped his shoulder. "They call me Mantito." No life in his eyes. A dead man walking. "Ahh... well, let us eat." I unwrapped my sandwich and a stink struck me. It was as if all life in the oceans of the world had washed ashore, rotting in the midday sun. I gagged harshly. "You get used to it," he chuckled, devouring his burger quickly. "You have to if you wish to survive." "What do you mean?" I bit into the burger, spitting out one of my own bloodied teeth. Good God. "Don't you see, traveler? You're trapped here. The star man lured you, did he not?" "That he did. But I'm trapped?" I slowly lowered my meal. "Aye. Welcome to Hell!" Mantito cackled the cackle of a man who had long given up sanity for the fleeting comfort of madness. I did the only thing I could. I smacked him across the face. "Courage, man! There's hope yet. We will find a way out." I offered my arm. He pulled himself up, and I offered him a sword. That's right. I'm not just carrying one sword. I have an EXTRA.
The creature behind the counter was nowhere to be seen. "Must we fear the creature behind the counter?" I asked. "No, that's Tim. He's part time. Quickly, to the front." We walked with purpose before the star man forced himself between us and the door. "Stand aside, wretched celestial being. I must be on my way!" I shouted. He was unmoved. Mantito charged the beast. "STAY YOUR BLADE, MANTITO!" But it was to no avail. He drove his sword deep into the belly of star man, but star man bit and tore deep into his shoulder. The screams shook me to my core. Mantito lied in a pool of his blood, triumphant in his fleeting mortality. "I can still get you out of here, man. Come, we must hurry." I whispered hurriedly. "No... no, there... there always has to be one," he breathed heavily. "What do you mean? Let us leave this place!" Mantito grabbed me and hurled me through the glass doors. As I looked back, his face was contorted in pain. He shook uncontrollably, and took the form of the star man. He waved to me from that hellish place. I shed but one tear.
All men bear a spark. Life. You can see it in their eyes. Mine has long left since that day.
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