Oedipus the King and the Jersey Shore

Oedipus Rex had done what no man could: he solved the riddle of the Sphinx, freeing the people of Thebes. To show their gratitude properly, the Thebans named this prince of Corinth their king, seeing as their previous one met an untimely death at the hands of his own son... Oedipus Rex. Oedipus did not know this, of course, but had been cursed from before he was even conceived, destined to murder his father and marry his mother. But for a time, all was well in his kingdom. He was a popular ruler, bore many children, and had by far the coolest name in all of the ancient world. But soon his world would come crashing down in a tumultuous sea of spray on tanning product breached by fist pumps. This is his downfall.

Messenger: Sire!

Oedipus: Yes, boy? What news do you bring?

Messenger: The blight upon our land has yet been lifted. Our livestock bear no calves, and now even the women are barren. Our crops lay wasted as if the very hand of Hades ascended from Hell itself to salt the very earth that  we have slaved over.

Oedipus: This is most unsettling. Have the gods forsaken us? What injustice have they suffered? Have I not served my people with honor and distinction? Am I not the rightful ruler of Thebes?

Jocasta: You have been a most wise and benevolent leader, my love. The people will stand behind you during these trying times, as we always have. You are my husband, and you did not bring this famine in the wake of your victory over the Sphinx. You freed us, Oedipus.

Oedipus: That I did. You raise my spirits when the gods themselves seek to dishearten me, Jocasta.

Messenger 2: Sire, Tiresias, the blind prophet, has come to bring advice.

Oedipus: Show him in.

Messenger 2: Must I, sire? He flails about the halls most gaily, and such humors might do your people good in such dark times.

Oedipus: Very well.

Narrator: And so Tiresias wandered the halls for roughly thirty minutes, stumbling and begging for help, only to have his pleas met with cruel laughter. For a fleeting moment, the people of Thebes forgot their many woes, and were complete douchebags.

Tiresias: Sire? SIRE?

Oedipus: I am here, prophet. You have come a long distance. Please, sit.

*A servant pulls forth a chair for the blinded old man, pulling it away at the last moment. Laughter ensues* 

Tiresias: I am glad to see that laughter has not yet left this kingdom, my lord!

Oedipus: I haven't much patience. My kingdom needs guidance, as do I. Let flow from your mouth wisdom, so that our rivers too might flow once more.

Tiresias: Of course, my lord. It seems that the heinous Sphinx you removed from outside the city walls was but a single aspect of the curse bedeviling these fair lands. It was once said that a prince born of Thebes would be destined to murder his father, then marry his mother. Patricide, Regicide, and incest. The foulest of crimes, crimes that neither man, beast, or god could tolerate. And it seems this foul miscreant still lives... perhaps in these very halls.

Oedipus: ...

Messengers: ...

Jocasta: ...

Oedipus: You speak in riddles, old man. Men, have him removed from my sight and tossed into the Pit of Eternal Sorrow.

Soldiers: Yes, my lord.

Tiresias: But-but I think that was fairly straightforward, my lord! I-I'd sooner not enter the Pit of Eternal Sorrow! I came bearing fruit baskets and scents, you son of a bitch! 

Oedipus: I cannot tolerate such flowery speech.

Jocasta: My love, might I be forward?

Oedipus: You are my equal.

Jocasta: He sounded a lot less ridiculous than us.

Messenger 2: Sire, men and women of great distinction from a distant land have come to assist us in our time of need.

Oedipus: Is that so? Bring them forth.

*Enter the cast of the Jersey Shore*

Oedipus: Where do you hail from, good people? My God! I have not seen such a hue in my entire life! 

Pauly D: It's a Jersey thing, my lord.

Oedipus: Ah, so you're from the Isle of Jersey?

The Situation: Ah, no. We live in a state beneath one that is arguably superior.

Oedipus: Sparta?

JWOWW: Ah, sure. Close enough.

Oedipus: Enough of formalities! Do you, good people of Jersey, know a cure for that which ails my kingdom?

Sammi: Uh, DUH. We didn't come all the way out here for nothing.

Oedipus: Speak, then!

The Situation: Simple, bro. GTL.

Oedipus: Speak plain, Jerseyian, lest you should join Tiresias in the Pit.

Ronnie: It's cool, king guy. It's a Jersey thing. It means Gym, Laundry, and Tan.

Oedipus: ... I know not what you speak of.

Pauly D: *To Jocasta* Damn girl, you are one fine MILF.

Jocasta: Oh my. Oedipus, perhaps they can stay for supper?

Oedipus: You will not speak to my queen with such a vulgar tongue, boy. Speak again, and I will have it removed by my own hand.

The Situation: Homo.

Oedipus: Never have I been spoken to like this. Guards, remove these foul, orange creatures from my hall!

Snooki: I think my crotch is sticking out.

Oedipu: BY THE GODS? WHAT UNSIGHTLY - No. NO. NOOOO!!! WHAT ARE YOU, HELLSPAWN?
Snooki: Snooki.
Oedipus: ARGHHH! THE GODS HAVE FORSAKEN ME!

Narrator: And with that, Oedipus did yank the broaches from Jocasta's gown, gouging his eyes so that he might not suffer to look upon such horror again, as long as his wretched life lasts. Let his life be a lesson to us all, that no man can evade the fates, no matter his intentions or fortune. 

Messenger 3: Sire! I bring news! Turns out you killed your dad and banged your mom. Whoa. What the fuck happened here?