The Good News

Have you guys heard the good news? No, not that news! The GOOD news. God is dead! Well, not dead in the Nietzschean sense. Europe isn't doomed because it lost its faith and yada yada yada. God is dead in the sense that God isn't real. It's a human construct, like justice, freedom, and the Atkins Diet. You know why? Because billions of people can't sleep at night without some omnipotent presence checking in. That's right. God's a fucking night light... paradoxical in nature. He's not the kind of light that exposes truth and meaning, but rather disguises and distorts truth. I guess a more accurate description of God would be that he's some kind of crazy light show at a rave, and religion is the ecstasy you take before going in. But it's okay! Because now I'm telling you it's all a big joke. No God, no nobody. We're alone out here. I'll give you a chance to breath. Sit down. Splash some water on your face. It's going to be okay. I promise.

I remember when I stopped believing in God. My brilliant friend started the unraveling of my faith with a simple question: "Why do you need a creator as a source for the universe?" Whoa. That's fucking TRUE. Way to go all Occam's Razor on me. Sometimes the simplest answer is just that: the answer. If we create a creator, we need a creator for the creator... and so on and so on, like a  never ending Russian nesting doll of stupidity. Why can't the universe be eternal if the concept of God himself is eternal? Why can't the universe have always just sort of... been? Makes sense. I read the God Delusion, and at the time I was doing news production for my high school and read a story about a baby getting executed. I gave up on the concept of God soon after that.

And I suppose it's okay to believe in something. But make it personal. Make it your own. You see angels? You have an ongoing conversation with Jesus? Cool! Stop trying to shove your shit into public schools and government and I have no qualms with your quirk. We're all crazy at the end of the day. We all find comfort in silly things... some just sillier than others.

So listen up, brothers and sisters, and embrace the good news. Take off your restrictive burkas, come out of the closet, treat women with respect, celebrate your birthday, eat some fucking meat and cheese at the same time, spend your Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays inside watching sports/loving your families/doing good for the community, and stop fondling the prepubescent choir boys. God's dead, and we can finally get around to doing something productive for once.

Either that, or I'm God and I'm simply testing you.